I’ve always considered myself a hopeless romantic. I longed for the idea of a pure love of understanding, flowers, chocolates, sweet nothings, and of destiny. However, after a series of failed relationships, ruined friendships, and pointless crushes, I had come to the realization that my focus for love was incorrect. This whole time I had thought that love was giving to someone else, when instead, I should be focused on improving myself.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in being self-centered and being in a relationship purely out of self interest. I have always valued personal relationships, whether friendships, family, or professional. These are all extremely important in how we shape ourselves, with the closer relationships defining our very core, Thus, I’ve always held romantic relationships in the highest regard. They’re always on the tipping point of bliss and destruction.
Instead, I have decided to go about redefining love, for myself at least. I will always have the core of my partners best interest, however, I have come to the realization that I cannot love another of I don’t first love myself. Constant growth and development, I believe, are key.
To constantly better oneself is ultimate beauty in life, because it leads to personal happiness, independent of external factors. Why do I do what I do? Because it makes me happy, not because of what it can give me. It’s more a focus on living in the present and being happy with what I do, rather than what I have.
But, by this token, where does a partner come into play? I believe a partner, to be someone who chooses to be with you out of mutual benefit. Every relationship has its benefit, with the benefit I believe to be most important being personal growth and development. This is what I look at with every relationship I have been in. What did we learn? How has my life improved from this encounter?
I look back on my last couple of relationships and I find where I have grown. My heart has hardened, my innocence lost, valuable life experience which I can take with me to the next relationship. In this way, every person I have met, I was destined to meet, so that I can learn and grow from them.
My last relationship I can say I learned the most from. She taught me about myself, and about what I want out of life and love. In the end, as much as we had loved each other, we realized that we were two different individuals, with separate goals and aspirations. We were unwilling to change to conform to each others goals, and we never fully supported our pursuit of those goals.
Something else important that I learned, was the focus on infatuation. In a previous post I talked about how love is a drug. I still believe this, it changes our perception on life, allows us to see everything through rose tinted glasses. We will do anything for the affection of our lover in this state.
But it is important to realize that this changes who we are. I don’t want someone to fall in love with me when I am infatuated, because as I settle down and return to myself, I may be a different individual, with different goals and aspirations.
From this I now know that I don’t want to be held back by anyone. I don’t believe we should be held back by love. Instead, we should be encouraged by it. We shouldn’t be looking for a single end goal, but instead looking for a way to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.
I believe this simultaneous focus on self and others to be of utmost importance. Because it breaks down the individualized colonized mindset, and builds personal strength, capacity, and community. Humans are, after all, social creatures, we live through our relationships with others.
I want to live my life to the fullest of my ability, so that I can be who I truly am. And in so doing, I aspire to inspire, to be someone who will make another person want to achieve their absolute best, live the life they want to live it and achieve magnificence. In so doing, this person will be an inspiration for me to continue improving, to continue living.
I don’t want someone ‘completes me.’ As beautiful as this seems to be, it’s more a stance of being weak and dependent on the love of someone else. It makes us wait and look purely for a partner who makes up for any shortcomings we have, never wanting to fix them ourselves.
We are fully functional, aware, an capable of manipulating our surroundings. We grow, feel and feast. We are complete human beings and we owe that to our parents, not to the person who makes our heart flutter.
And what’s what it comes down to. I believe love is about being with someone who makes you feel good. Someone who can get you going in the morning to live life. Someone you can encourage to live their dreams, and take you with them as you live yours.
Because love is living the dream.
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